This will get easier, right?

Things with Jon are getting better. My last post was months ago, and reading back over it I can see what a bad place I was in at the time. But even though things are not as hard now as they were then, the memory of that time is still very fresh. I haven't reached the "that was really not as bad as it seemed" point yet. I still feel like it was a very big deal, and it still has me unsure about whether I want to have a second child in the future. Maybe one day I'll forget how hard that was.

Unfortunately, I still don't feel like I was meant to be a mother. Or maybe just not at this time, I don't know. I love Jonathan with all my heart, but I can't help feeling overwhelmed sometimes. Fortunately, those overwhelming feelings don't come along as often as they used to. I think a lot of that has to do with me being back at work, and not spending 24 hours a day with him. At the same time, I hate sending him to daycare. They treat him well there, though, and he seems happy there. Poor guy has been sick the past couple of weeks. Not really sick, I guess, it's more just allergies. The pollen has been really bad lately, so bad that even I am feeling crappy. I don't remember it ever affecting me this badly. Today I feel like someone punched me in the nose.

Jon had his 4 month appointment yesterday, and the doctor said he looks great. He's 15 lbs, 14 oz, and he's 24 inches long. He got his shots too, and he did pretty well with them actually. Tonight, though, after I gave him a bath he puked all over his crib. I took his temperature-- 100.5. I'm thinking he might have thrown up from swallowing so much snot, and/or the fever could be from the shots yesterday. So I gave him some tylenol and I plan to monitor his temperature. I'm not going to freak out and call the doctor yet unless things get worse. He's sleeping right now. I feel so bad for him, but he really seems okay.

Emotionally, things have not really gotten a whole lot better for me. Steve and I still fight much more than I would like, and I really feel like things have got to change. I'm also feeling lonely and a little isolated. My friends back home all have babies, but none of my friends here do. In fact, they are all single. So not only am I unable to really foster my friendships here because of my parenting responsibilities, but I have to watch how close their friendships with each other are getting, and I have to admit I'm jealous. I want to be able to spend a lot of time with them, going out and having fun, and not having to worry about getting home early enough to get a decent amount of sleep because I can't sleep in the next day. I know, I'm a mom now, and that's just the way it is. But that's a large part of the reason I question whether I was really ready for this. I don't want to go out drinking every night or anything, but it just makes me sad that these friendships will never develop very well because we are quite frankly at very different places in our lives. I wish there was a way for me to meet other moms-- other working moms-- my age.

So there is my big vent for the day. I wish I had a real live person I could talk to about all of this, but the sad truth is I don't. That's why I feel so alone. I'm sure things will fall into place, but right now it just feels hopeless.

This is so hard

I am having such a hard time. I love Jon, but I think I'm going insane. He needs to be held literally all the time, and he usually won't sleep at night unless it's with us. This poses a problem for me because I hate the idea of co-sleeping and I can't sleep when he's in the bed anyway because every noise he makes wakes me up. He also eats way too much, I think, and he's growing ridiculously fast. He's so fussy all the time too. Twenty-four hours a day of this, and it's no wonder I'm frustrated. But Steve is angry with me for being frustrated. We've been fighting so much, and that is not helping my mental state right now. I really don't know what to do. I am starting to think I have some form of PPD because I am unhappy all the time, I cry at least once a day, and sometimes I really just want to run away and not deal with any of this. I know other babies go through the same things, and everyone keeps saying it will get better, but it is only getting worse right now. I can't take it anymore, and I really think I'm losing my mind. I am going to go to a mom's support group, and I've also joined a mommy meetup group, but I don't know if this is going to solve my problems. I think as long as Jon is being difficult, I am going to continue feeling this way. And it's even more depressing to know that it is killing our marriage. Steve just doesn't understand, and I know it must be super frustrating for him to deal with me being like this. But he keeps telling me I just have to suck it up and deal with it, which may be true but that is not the type of thing you say to someone who is going through some sort of depression. I take good care of Jon, but at the same time I am so miserable all the time. I just don't know what to do. So tomorrow (assuming I get some sleep tonight) I am going up to my in-laws' house. It's a 4-hour drive without stopping, so I'm thinking it might take me about 5 hours since I will have to stop to feed Jon. But at least there I will be around people other than just the baby all day, and my MIL will be able to help me out with him. Plus Steve and I will get a break from each other, which sadly is much needed right now. I just hope things improve soon, because I don't know what to do anymore. I just have to get through this week, and then I will talk to my ob/gyn about possible PPD at my appointment next week.

Jonathan Mark Fowler makes his debut

Our baby boy was born on 12/12/08 at 6:21 pm. He weighed 6lb 13 oz and is 20 inches long. Of course I'm probably biased, but I think he is a beautiful baby. He has lots of dark hair, an olive complexion, and dark blue eyes (for now).

My water broke-- in bed, of course-- on Thursday night at 11:45. I actually heard a "POP" and then felt a huge gush. That was probably the fastest I have ever jumped out of bed, and I ran to the bathroom to grab a towel, then ran to the guest bedroom to wake up Steve. We had been sleeping in separate rooms due to my pregnancy snoring. I called the OB on call and he told me to head to the hospital. We rushed around getting things together, and finally arrived at the hospital at close to 1 am.

There was meconium (and lots of it) in my amniotic fluid, which was really gross. Because of this, they wanted me hooked up to the monitors which was a bummer because part of my birth plan had been that I wanted to be able to move around. This was the first of many things that didn't go according to plan. I was also told that I could forget about holding the baby immediately after birth, because they needed to take him and suction out the meconium so he wouldn't breathe it in. I was a little disappointed, but of course I wanted to do what was best for him.

The bed was so uncomfortable, and I hated being tied to it. I tried shifting positions every once in a while, but I soon had to stop doing that because his heart rate kept dropping. I wasn't having contractions on my own, so I had to be induced with pitocin. Another thing to defy my birth plan. It turned out he didn't seem to like the pitocin either, so they kept having to adjust the dosage, because his heart rate would drop if it got above a certain point.

I was doing pretty well with the contractions, and the nurses kept saying they were so impressed with how I was handling them. You could see on the monitor that they were strong, but I didn't think they were that bad. It was looking like I was going to be able to do this without drugs. But my contractions were very irregular throughout the whole 17 hours of labor, and at one point they were going on for 5 minutes straight with no break. That was what was hard to handle. I thought for sure that I'd have made great progress by the next time they checked me. Nope, I hadn't progressed at all. At this point, I broke down. I really was dead set against an epidural, but now it looked like I almost needed one. I made the decision to get one because in the end I realized it would be better for me and the baby. I couldn't relax during those intense contractions that came back to back, and therefore couldn't dilate. Looking back, I don't know why I was so against getting an epidural. It doesn't hurt the baby at all, and it made the remainder of my labor so much easier. I was already bed-ridden as it was, so there really was no reason for me to keep refusing it.

After just a few more hours, I started feeling the strong urge to push, so they checked me again and I was 9.5 cm dilated! I was so happy at this point. I started pushing at around 6pm, and at 6:21 Jonathan was born! Hearing those first cries truly was amazing. Even though he was across the room, I could not take my eyes off of him. I was barely aware of the dr stitching me up (I had a minor tear) or the delivery of the placenta. By the way, I donated the cord blood which was really easy since my hospital was a participant with the Carolinas Cord Blood Bank. All I had to do was sign some paperwork and they took care of the rest.

Life with a baby is really different. I love him to death, but I definitely have my moments of frustration. I know that it'll get better soon though, and I know that it was all worth it. I love my little man!

Annoyed

As if being uncomfortable as well as not knowing yet whether I will still have a job wasn't enough, I had to get dragged into Steve's family drama. First thing I saw this morning while checking my email was a very nasty email from one of his sisters calling us "bitter and stressed" because we moved to NC. She said that maybe it would be best if I got laid off because then we could move back. This was in response to something Steve had said to her, by the way. In a nutshell, his parents are having major financial difficulties, and Steve said that she and his other sister should start paying at least a little something for their childcare. Their mom watches the kids, and as far as anyone was aware, she was doing it for free. I don't think he was wrong in saying that, though maybe a little bold.

But what she said really pissed me off. First of all, we are WAY better off here in NC than we would have been in Northern Virginia, even if I get laid off. Especially if I get laid off. The COL is lower here and I make more money than I ever did up there. This could change if I do lose my job, but where is the logic in thinking that we'd be better off in a higher COL area if I didn't have a job? Second, it irritates me that she ASSumes we are even having any financial difficulties (barring me getting laid off, of course). We're actually totally fine, and we will be able to afford to pay for daycare. Hell, even if we did live up there and have Steve's mom watch the baby, we wouldn't be freeloaders-- we would pay. And it irritates me that anyone would even imply that Steve and I would be irresponsible enough to plan for a child if we couldn't afford it. And please note that I am not putting down people who struggle to provide for their child when the child wasn't planned for. But I would think it irresponsible to actually plan for a child knowing full well that you can't afford it.

So we are not "stressed and bitter." I was only angry that she loves to talk about how "well off" she and her husband are, but seems to never lift a finger when it comes to helping out her parents who have done so much for her.

Sorry, I realize that none of the above will make much sense to anyone who doesn't know the full story. I just needed to vent.

And now for this baby... Seriously, get out! I lost the MP, I'm pretty sure all of it. So get out already!

Hours, Days, or Weeks

Could be TMI for some, so there's your warning.

Early this morning, like 4 am when I got up to pee, I had the beginnings of bloody show. Oh yes, lovely chunks of the mucous plug, complete with bits of blood. It's continued basically all day. Now, I know that it is most likely due to my internal yesterday, but still it's exciting. After all, I've never spotted before after an internal or even a PAP.

Some dear nesties would have my hopes all up about this, as they swear it means labor is imminent. But, the Mayo Clinic Guide AND my "when to call" sheet from the doctor's office both say that it doesn't mean much of anything. Labor could start within hours, days, or weeks, they say. So there's nothing to get all excited about. Better not be weeks, though. I would have to hurt someone.

So I will wait, as patiently as I can, for little J to make his appearance. And meanwhile, I'll be jealous of everyone else having their babies early. :)

38 week appointment

We have progress! One cm dilated, 70% effaced, -2 station. So at least something is happening. At least the crazy contractions I've been having have been worth something. I just hope that I continue to have things happen, because I am getting very uncomfortable now and am quite ready for this to be over.

Next Thursday I will find out whether or not I get to keep my job. I am scared, but I'm glad we at least have a date now. It really sucked not knowing when we would find out. I just pray that I don't get laid off. I really don't need that stress right now.

Contractions

I've been having some wicked contractions for the past few days. Oh, they're sporadic and not at all timeable, but still. They suck. I woke up with a particularly bad one at 4:30 this morning, and it lasted for at least 5 minutes. I had more after that, but they were less severe and weren't following any kind of pattern. Now I keep having them every once in a while at work too. I swear, I better have some progress at my appointment on Friday. Then at least these crazy cramps might be worth it.