This will get easier, right?

Things with Jon are getting better. My last post was months ago, and reading back over it I can see what a bad place I was in at the time. But even though things are not as hard now as they were then, the memory of that time is still very fresh. I haven't reached the "that was really not as bad as it seemed" point yet. I still feel like it was a very big deal, and it still has me unsure about whether I want to have a second child in the future. Maybe one day I'll forget how hard that was.

Unfortunately, I still don't feel like I was meant to be a mother. Or maybe just not at this time, I don't know. I love Jonathan with all my heart, but I can't help feeling overwhelmed sometimes. Fortunately, those overwhelming feelings don't come along as often as they used to. I think a lot of that has to do with me being back at work, and not spending 24 hours a day with him. At the same time, I hate sending him to daycare. They treat him well there, though, and he seems happy there. Poor guy has been sick the past couple of weeks. Not really sick, I guess, it's more just allergies. The pollen has been really bad lately, so bad that even I am feeling crappy. I don't remember it ever affecting me this badly. Today I feel like someone punched me in the nose.

Jon had his 4 month appointment yesterday, and the doctor said he looks great. He's 15 lbs, 14 oz, and he's 24 inches long. He got his shots too, and he did pretty well with them actually. Tonight, though, after I gave him a bath he puked all over his crib. I took his temperature-- 100.5. I'm thinking he might have thrown up from swallowing so much snot, and/or the fever could be from the shots yesterday. So I gave him some tylenol and I plan to monitor his temperature. I'm not going to freak out and call the doctor yet unless things get worse. He's sleeping right now. I feel so bad for him, but he really seems okay.

Emotionally, things have not really gotten a whole lot better for me. Steve and I still fight much more than I would like, and I really feel like things have got to change. I'm also feeling lonely and a little isolated. My friends back home all have babies, but none of my friends here do. In fact, they are all single. So not only am I unable to really foster my friendships here because of my parenting responsibilities, but I have to watch how close their friendships with each other are getting, and I have to admit I'm jealous. I want to be able to spend a lot of time with them, going out and having fun, and not having to worry about getting home early enough to get a decent amount of sleep because I can't sleep in the next day. I know, I'm a mom now, and that's just the way it is. But that's a large part of the reason I question whether I was really ready for this. I don't want to go out drinking every night or anything, but it just makes me sad that these friendships will never develop very well because we are quite frankly at very different places in our lives. I wish there was a way for me to meet other moms-- other working moms-- my age.

So there is my big vent for the day. I wish I had a real live person I could talk to about all of this, but the sad truth is I don't. That's why I feel so alone. I'm sure things will fall into place, but right now it just feels hopeless.

This is so hard

I am having such a hard time. I love Jon, but I think I'm going insane. He needs to be held literally all the time, and he usually won't sleep at night unless it's with us. This poses a problem for me because I hate the idea of co-sleeping and I can't sleep when he's in the bed anyway because every noise he makes wakes me up. He also eats way too much, I think, and he's growing ridiculously fast. He's so fussy all the time too. Twenty-four hours a day of this, and it's no wonder I'm frustrated. But Steve is angry with me for being frustrated. We've been fighting so much, and that is not helping my mental state right now. I really don't know what to do. I am starting to think I have some form of PPD because I am unhappy all the time, I cry at least once a day, and sometimes I really just want to run away and not deal with any of this. I know other babies go through the same things, and everyone keeps saying it will get better, but it is only getting worse right now. I can't take it anymore, and I really think I'm losing my mind. I am going to go to a mom's support group, and I've also joined a mommy meetup group, but I don't know if this is going to solve my problems. I think as long as Jon is being difficult, I am going to continue feeling this way. And it's even more depressing to know that it is killing our marriage. Steve just doesn't understand, and I know it must be super frustrating for him to deal with me being like this. But he keeps telling me I just have to suck it up and deal with it, which may be true but that is not the type of thing you say to someone who is going through some sort of depression. I take good care of Jon, but at the same time I am so miserable all the time. I just don't know what to do. So tomorrow (assuming I get some sleep tonight) I am going up to my in-laws' house. It's a 4-hour drive without stopping, so I'm thinking it might take me about 5 hours since I will have to stop to feed Jon. But at least there I will be around people other than just the baby all day, and my MIL will be able to help me out with him. Plus Steve and I will get a break from each other, which sadly is much needed right now. I just hope things improve soon, because I don't know what to do anymore. I just have to get through this week, and then I will talk to my ob/gyn about possible PPD at my appointment next week.