Jonathan Mark Fowler makes his debut

Our baby boy was born on 12/12/08 at 6:21 pm. He weighed 6lb 13 oz and is 20 inches long. Of course I'm probably biased, but I think he is a beautiful baby. He has lots of dark hair, an olive complexion, and dark blue eyes (for now).

My water broke-- in bed, of course-- on Thursday night at 11:45. I actually heard a "POP" and then felt a huge gush. That was probably the fastest I have ever jumped out of bed, and I ran to the bathroom to grab a towel, then ran to the guest bedroom to wake up Steve. We had been sleeping in separate rooms due to my pregnancy snoring. I called the OB on call and he told me to head to the hospital. We rushed around getting things together, and finally arrived at the hospital at close to 1 am.

There was meconium (and lots of it) in my amniotic fluid, which was really gross. Because of this, they wanted me hooked up to the monitors which was a bummer because part of my birth plan had been that I wanted to be able to move around. This was the first of many things that didn't go according to plan. I was also told that I could forget about holding the baby immediately after birth, because they needed to take him and suction out the meconium so he wouldn't breathe it in. I was a little disappointed, but of course I wanted to do what was best for him.

The bed was so uncomfortable, and I hated being tied to it. I tried shifting positions every once in a while, but I soon had to stop doing that because his heart rate kept dropping. I wasn't having contractions on my own, so I had to be induced with pitocin. Another thing to defy my birth plan. It turned out he didn't seem to like the pitocin either, so they kept having to adjust the dosage, because his heart rate would drop if it got above a certain point.

I was doing pretty well with the contractions, and the nurses kept saying they were so impressed with how I was handling them. You could see on the monitor that they were strong, but I didn't think they were that bad. It was looking like I was going to be able to do this without drugs. But my contractions were very irregular throughout the whole 17 hours of labor, and at one point they were going on for 5 minutes straight with no break. That was what was hard to handle. I thought for sure that I'd have made great progress by the next time they checked me. Nope, I hadn't progressed at all. At this point, I broke down. I really was dead set against an epidural, but now it looked like I almost needed one. I made the decision to get one because in the end I realized it would be better for me and the baby. I couldn't relax during those intense contractions that came back to back, and therefore couldn't dilate. Looking back, I don't know why I was so against getting an epidural. It doesn't hurt the baby at all, and it made the remainder of my labor so much easier. I was already bed-ridden as it was, so there really was no reason for me to keep refusing it.

After just a few more hours, I started feeling the strong urge to push, so they checked me again and I was 9.5 cm dilated! I was so happy at this point. I started pushing at around 6pm, and at 6:21 Jonathan was born! Hearing those first cries truly was amazing. Even though he was across the room, I could not take my eyes off of him. I was barely aware of the dr stitching me up (I had a minor tear) or the delivery of the placenta. By the way, I donated the cord blood which was really easy since my hospital was a participant with the Carolinas Cord Blood Bank. All I had to do was sign some paperwork and they took care of the rest.

Life with a baby is really different. I love him to death, but I definitely have my moments of frustration. I know that it'll get better soon though, and I know that it was all worth it. I love my little man!

Annoyed

As if being uncomfortable as well as not knowing yet whether I will still have a job wasn't enough, I had to get dragged into Steve's family drama. First thing I saw this morning while checking my email was a very nasty email from one of his sisters calling us "bitter and stressed" because we moved to NC. She said that maybe it would be best if I got laid off because then we could move back. This was in response to something Steve had said to her, by the way. In a nutshell, his parents are having major financial difficulties, and Steve said that she and his other sister should start paying at least a little something for their childcare. Their mom watches the kids, and as far as anyone was aware, she was doing it for free. I don't think he was wrong in saying that, though maybe a little bold.

But what she said really pissed me off. First of all, we are WAY better off here in NC than we would have been in Northern Virginia, even if I get laid off. Especially if I get laid off. The COL is lower here and I make more money than I ever did up there. This could change if I do lose my job, but where is the logic in thinking that we'd be better off in a higher COL area if I didn't have a job? Second, it irritates me that she ASSumes we are even having any financial difficulties (barring me getting laid off, of course). We're actually totally fine, and we will be able to afford to pay for daycare. Hell, even if we did live up there and have Steve's mom watch the baby, we wouldn't be freeloaders-- we would pay. And it irritates me that anyone would even imply that Steve and I would be irresponsible enough to plan for a child if we couldn't afford it. And please note that I am not putting down people who struggle to provide for their child when the child wasn't planned for. But I would think it irresponsible to actually plan for a child knowing full well that you can't afford it.

So we are not "stressed and bitter." I was only angry that she loves to talk about how "well off" she and her husband are, but seems to never lift a finger when it comes to helping out her parents who have done so much for her.

Sorry, I realize that none of the above will make much sense to anyone who doesn't know the full story. I just needed to vent.

And now for this baby... Seriously, get out! I lost the MP, I'm pretty sure all of it. So get out already!

Hours, Days, or Weeks

Could be TMI for some, so there's your warning.

Early this morning, like 4 am when I got up to pee, I had the beginnings of bloody show. Oh yes, lovely chunks of the mucous plug, complete with bits of blood. It's continued basically all day. Now, I know that it is most likely due to my internal yesterday, but still it's exciting. After all, I've never spotted before after an internal or even a PAP.

Some dear nesties would have my hopes all up about this, as they swear it means labor is imminent. But, the Mayo Clinic Guide AND my "when to call" sheet from the doctor's office both say that it doesn't mean much of anything. Labor could start within hours, days, or weeks, they say. So there's nothing to get all excited about. Better not be weeks, though. I would have to hurt someone.

So I will wait, as patiently as I can, for little J to make his appearance. And meanwhile, I'll be jealous of everyone else having their babies early. :)

38 week appointment

We have progress! One cm dilated, 70% effaced, -2 station. So at least something is happening. At least the crazy contractions I've been having have been worth something. I just hope that I continue to have things happen, because I am getting very uncomfortable now and am quite ready for this to be over.

Next Thursday I will find out whether or not I get to keep my job. I am scared, but I'm glad we at least have a date now. It really sucked not knowing when we would find out. I just pray that I don't get laid off. I really don't need that stress right now.

Contractions

I've been having some wicked contractions for the past few days. Oh, they're sporadic and not at all timeable, but still. They suck. I woke up with a particularly bad one at 4:30 this morning, and it lasted for at least 5 minutes. I had more after that, but they were less severe and weren't following any kind of pattern. Now I keep having them every once in a while at work too. I swear, I better have some progress at my appointment on Friday. Then at least these crazy cramps might be worth it.

Thanksgiving drama

My parents came down to our house for Thanksgiving. We didn't want to go anywhere since I am 37 weeks pregnant. My dad went and picked up my brother in Harrisonburg, VA so he was here too.

My brother is a huge loser. Yeah, you might think I'm a total bitch for saying that, but it's true. Here is a kid with a ton of potential-- he's smart and very artistically talented, but he failed out of college his first semester and hasn't even attempted to go back. He's been living in H'burg mooching off of his friends, bouncing from job to job, having my parents pay his rent. Finally my mom cut him off in May, and of course he hates her for it. What could she do? She can't pay his rent forever. She had to put her foot down, and I don't blame her at all for it.

His girlfriend apparently broke up with him a couple of months ago because she was tired of him being a bum. I guess this has hit him pretty hard, but instead of using it as motivation to get better, he has gotten worse. Much worse. His hygiene has really gone downhill. Let's just say I was really glad I'm not in the first trimester, because he smelled so horrible it was hard to be around him even not being nauseated. And I was pretty grossed out the whole time he was here because I remain unconvinced that he actually ever washes his hands. So then the subject came up that he supposedly has a staph infection of some sort. I was a little concerned about this since I am pregnant and wasn't really sure if it was contagious or could be dangerous for the baby. I politely asked about it and he got this rude attitude with me, and pretty much didn't speak to me the rest of the time they were here.

It really sucks to love your brother because you have to, but not being able to like him. There is no way he and I can ever get along as long as he continues to be the way he is. He blames everyone but himself for his problems, and lashes out at anyone who has any constructive criticism for him. I hate seeing him waste his life away like he does, but nothing seems to get through to him. He can't keep any friends, and his girlfriend dumped him because she got tired of his way (and frankly, she's way too good for him anyway), and still he just doesn't get it. I feel bad for my parents because I know it hurts them to see their son turn out this way. We all keep hoping that one day he'll grow out of it, but he's been going down this path since he was in high school, and he's going to be 22 in February.

Anyway... I guess besides the drama with him, it was a nice Thanksgiving. Dinner was good, and it was crazy to think that this was our last Thanksgiving (and quite possibly our last holiday) without our little baby. I am full term today, and I can't wait to meet our sweet baby boy! But he can stay in there as long as he needs to, of course.

36 week appointment

I had my 36 week appointment today, and everything was good. The only thing is I'm measuring a little small, so they are going to do an ultrasound next week to check his growth. Hopefully everything is fine and he's just going to be a little on the smaller side. I had the Group B strep test, which was no fun but it wasn't bad. So, I'm a little sad that he is not measuring where he should be, but it's probably not a big deal at all. And hey, we get an extra ultrasound out of the deal!

On another note, people really suck. I won't elaborate on it, but it really makes me mad the lengths some people will go to in order to get back at others. A lesson learned here is that some people really cannot be trusted...

Thoughts for the day

We have a new president-elect. Congratulations to Barack Obama. Though I did not vote for him, I will support him and hope that he does well for our country. I'm just happy I don't have to see political ads anymore!

And now for something that really pisses me off. In a thread on the Election 08 board, there was a little bit of a debate about abortion. The OP asked if those who didn't see the fetus as a human being have ever or would mourn their loss if they had a miscarriage. There were a couple of really insensitive posters who said they thought it was silly for a woman to mourn such a loss, and one said it was weird and "attention-seeking" to put it in your signature. Now, maybe she doesn't believe it's a life yet and I'll respect her opinion on that, but what a bitch. I sincerely hope she never has to go through a miscarriage, because obviously she has no idea what it's like to go through that. Before going through it myself, I never realized how much it could affect me, but I NEVER would have judged someone else for mourning their loss.

And happier news... I had an appointment yesterday, and all is well. He's head-down now, which is great. I hope he stays that way!

Sick of the election

I can't wait till November 4th, or maybe even 5th. I just want this crap over with. To be honest, I'm not thrilled with either candidate, but I know who I will vote for. I'm sick of all the ads, tired of the media bias, annoyed with all the name-calling, but most of all I cannot effing stand how misinformed so many people are. I don't care who people vote for, but it drives me nuts when their reasons behind it don't make any sense. I hate it when they can't tell you anything about the issues. And the hypocrisy is driving me nuts more than anything-- people telling others that they need to "do their own research rather than relying on what the media says" when 99.9% of the people saying this need to take their own advice! I have never been so ready for an election to be over.

Rant over.

Just getting by

Yesterday was the meeting that we've all been waiting for at work. We found out how many people our specific group is losing. We are being cut from 13 people down to 7. It really sucks, and makes me so sad. While I really don't think I am a logical choice to be laid off, you just never know. Even if I make the cut, I'll be sad for everyone else. This whole situation just sucks.

Baby Shower - 30 Weeks!

Yesterday was the baby shower that my mom threw for us. We had such a wonderful time, and the best part was that my grandparents were there! That was a big surprise, and I got all teary-eyed when I saw them. My brother also made it down with his girlfriend, and Steve's mom and 3 sisters were there too.

The shower was lovely. My mom did a wonderful job putting it together. Her friend Barbara made an amazing cake for it, with 4 different layers, all with different flavors. We got such nice gifts from everyone, the best of which were of course the hand-made things. My aunt Barbara sent a beautiful quilt. My Busia (that's Polish for grandmother) knitted washcloths, a blanket, and a bottle holder. And my granddad made a gorgeous cradle. It is absolutely beautiful, I can't even express how amazing it is. It's so well-made, I know it can be passed down in the family for generations.

Our niece Zoey was so cute. She walked up to my belly, which is eye-level for her, and asked, "Is that the baby?" I said, "Yes, that's the baby!" And then she gave my belly a kiss, and said, "I want to see him!" So adorable. She's 3, and I love how little kids just say the cutest things.

So, it was a wonderful time, and I'll post some pictures when I get them.

Elijah Robert Knowles is here!

Jen had her baby today, at exactly 42 weeks! She went in for induction last night, but was already in the beginning stages of labor, so she got to do it without induction like she wanted. I am so happy for her and Eric! He was born at 12:05pm and weighs 8 lbs, 12 oz! Big baby! I'm glad I didn't buy her any newborn sized stuff! I don't know anymore details, because I just got this info from her sister on facebook, but I'm so happy for her. I can't wait to see pictures of him, and of course I can't wait to meet him.

Damn

I just realized that I forgot to go to my doctor's appointment today. I feel like a complete ass. I hope they don't charge me for the missed appointment, but I think they probably will. I thought I wasn't letting the impending layoffs affect me, but I guess I am. I'm not one to forget appointments. I wonder if they'll let me claim pregnancy brain.

Not dealing well with change today

I know it's silly to get so bent out of shape over these things, but seriously the changes are too much for me today. They changed over to the new format on the Nest, which I hate, but I could deal with it if it wasn't running so horribly slow. I have hardly been on it today because I can't deal with the slowness. And if that's not enough, I really would like to delete something from our BRU registry, but the registry portion of the website is down... as it has been for the past several days. This is just great, considering I have two showers coming up soon.

I know. These are really trivial things to be upset about, but I can't help it... I'm in a horrible mood. I guess I'll just blame it on the hormones.

Weekend

Steve has been sick all weekend, and frankly it's a miracle I haven't gotten it yet. Knock on wood.

Yesterday I went downtown with Heather to the new convention center for a big shopping event. There were so many cute things there, especially baby things, but I didn't buy much. I got a 3D replica of Shea Stadium, and a really cute baby hat that was too adorable to pass up. He won't be able to wear it until probably next winter, but so cute.

Today I had brunch with the girls at Bogarts, which was fabulous as always. I met some new people who were pretty cool too. On my way home I stopped at a costume shop that Heather recommended a while ago, because Christine's Halloween party theme was annoying me. I couldn't figure out what the heck to do, because the theme is TV characters. I'm pregnant, and therefore was at a loss for who I could be. The lady at the shop was so helpful, though, and so it's settled. Steve and I will be Lucy and Ricky, from I Love Lucy! Should be fun.

So yeah, that was my lame weekend, but hey... I actually did more this weekend than I have been doing recently.

New pictures of Jon

In my belly - 28 weeks

Sweet baby J's 3D ultrasound - 28 weeks

Here we go again

Layoffs. Again. Last year around this time, layoffs were announced. They held it over our heads for over 2 months, and we all fretted and worried and stressed out. We only lost one person from our group, as well as one supervisor, last December. This time, all we know so far is that our department of 81 people is losing 28. If I had to guess, I would say that our group will lose 5 people and one supervisor.

For the baby's sake, I am not allowing myself to stress out this time. It's hard sometimes, though, because everyone at work is freaking out. They all talk about it constantly, they all look depressed, and some people have even cried about it. What is the point of crying? It won't change the outcome. I hope I'm not laid off, especially with a baby on the way, but if it happens we will survive. We have savings, I'd get 3 months severence, and I could file for unemployment. Hopefully I'd find another decent job by this time next year.

I don't know... I just can't think about it anymore. Thank God it's the weekend, so I can at least escape for a couple of days.

Welcome, Autumn!

Ahhh, Fall. My favorite season. It officially starts tomorrow, but already the temperatures have been cooler, and I am loving it! I think we might head to the flea market today, since it'll be so much more pleasant to walk around. We were going to go yesterday, but I was having mild contractions which frankly were scaring me. They're gone though, thank God! I'm only 27 weeks. Jonny needs to stay in there and cook for at least 11 more!

It's been a while

A lot has happened since I last updated! We did have our big ultrasound. Everything looked great, and we found out it's a boy. So, Jonathan Mark is on his way! We got registering out of the way, and we just painted the nursery this past weekend. It looks awesome! We also have bought his pack 'n play, 2 bouncers, a swing, and a bedding set. Everything but the pack 'n play and one of the bouncers was purchased at a consignment sale. And we got the pack 'n play and the other bouncer on sale too, so we're moving right along.

18 weeks!

The bump at 17 weeks

We have our big ultrasound on Tuesday, and I can hardly wait! I'm so excited to get to see our little one again. I haven't really done much lately for preparation, but once we find out the sex I imagine I'll be able to finish the registry. We need to start painting the nursery too, although we are doing that gender neutral anyway.

Yesterday we bought a video camera because I really want to have one for when the baby is here.

Heartbeat and movement!

We went up to my in-laws' house for the 4th. It was nice to see everyone, even though it pretty much rained all weekend. While we were there, I felt the baby move! I've been feeling it every now and then since Thursday night. And today at our appointment, the doctor found the heartbeat right away. It was 159, a good strong heartbeat! They also did the quad screen today, so hopefully I won't be getting a phone call from them later this week. Can't wait till the 22nd when we have our big ultrasound!

Frustrating

So I've decided that early second trimester must be the most frustrating part of pregnancy. I know I'm lucky in that I didn't have morning sickness or any other major discomforts, so maybe this isn't true for everyone, but for me right now at nearly 16 weeks is the worst part (so far). I'm not showing yet, I can't feel the baby move... so I have no idea whether or not the baby is okay. It's hard to believe I have my big ultrasound in just a little over 2 weeks, and I don't even have a baby bump yet. I just have to have faith that everything is fine for now, as Steve keeps trying to reassure me. I do have a regular appointment on Monday, so at least I will know then if everything is progressing normally. I'm just so terrified of missed miscarriage!

Too much stress

The whole week at work was hell. I have a doctor's note saying I am not supposed to be on my feet all day, but I was anyway because it was so busy. I finally had to talk to my boss yesterday because it was definitely taking a toll on me, and I was afraid it would all cause me to lose the baby.

7 weeks today!

Every week that I complete, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am still scared of losing this baby, but every new week gives me hope. I just hate that my next appointment isn't until June 9th. That feels like so long to wait! But I guess I will just have to have faith that as long as I don't feel anything wrong, then everything is okay.

It seems like everyone just had a baby, is having a baby, or is at least thinking about having a baby. I was browsing myspace for the first time in a very long time today, and saw that one of my sorority sisters had her baby a couple of weeks ago. Sadly, the baby has Downs Syndrome, but she seems to be doing well. Another sorority sister is due in a little over a month. I was supposed to go to their joint baby shower at the end of March, but I have to admit I don't regret not going. Let's just say that if I had gone, I probably wouldn't be 7 weeks pregnant now.

Then a girl I went to high school with is due any day now... and another one is thinking about trying at the end of the summer! Seems like everyone has babies on the brain these days.

Got to see our embryo!

It looks like a grain of rice! Yesterday we had our first official ultrasound, and it was great because we could actually see the embryo and its heartbeat! Although I have been so nauseous for the past few days and have had no appetite, seeing that makes it all worth it! Steve seems to be excited too. He took the picture to work and scanned it in so he could e-mail it to everyone. I'm so happy... though still cautiously optimistic.

Bret Michaels concert

I can't believe it, but I actually went to see Bret Michaels last night with Heather and some of her other friends. Surprisingly, it was a good show! It was weird to quite possibly be the only 100% sober person in the crowd, but I still had fun. Before the show got started, we got our picture taken with "Big John," whom I'm sure in a few years I will not remember. I will probably look back at the picture and wonder who that random dude is. The show was great, Bret Michaels is a really good performer, and he played a good mix of new stuff and Poison songs. He played a few covers as well. I was so very tired by the end, though, so I was grateful when it ended.

Feeling much better

I went to the doctor today because the pain hasn't subsided. He did an ultrasound, and it turns out I have an ovarian cyst and that has been what's causing me pain. He said it's no big deal and should go away in a couple of weeks. The awesome thing is, I got to see the gestational sac, so I sort of saw what there is so far of my baby! It was really cool. It's nice to see proof that I'm definitely pregnant, besides a positive pregnancy test. And now I don't have to freak out every time I feel a little twinge.

I'm so bloated already... I ordered a bella band today. I can't believe I ordered a maternity thing. Yesterday I ordered a pregnancy book and a book about caring for a baby. I have no clue about infant care, so this should be really helpful to me!

A little scared

I've been having sharp pains off and on, on my left side, all day. The first one this morning was so bad I had to stop what I was doing and rest for a moment until it passed. Other than that, it has been rather mild, but still scares the crap out of me considering what happened last time. Steve was worried and convinced me to call the doctor... and I'm glad because she made me feel a lot better. She said it's most likely just normal growing pains, and that I shouldn't worry too much unless there is spotting as well, which so far there isn't. She did say, though, that if it continues tomorrow I can call the office and get in for an ultrasound just to make sure it's not an ectopic pregnancy. The thought of that itself is scary, because it would automatically mean that I'd have to terminate. But I don't think that's it... it's probably just growing pains. She even said it's common to have them on just one side. So I'm trying to stay positive and just hope that everything will be all right.

Friday for me!

I'm so excited that I don't have to work tomorrow. I definitely do not regret taking the day off. It just so happens my first doctor appointment is tomorrow too! And then I'll have time to pack and get ready for the trip to Fairfax. I hope everything goes well at the appointment, and I am still hoping and praying that I get to have a healthy baby this time.

Here we go again?

This morning, I gave in to temptation and took one of the cheap pregnancy tests. I figured I have a bunch of them and they're cheap anyway, so what's the harm? Well it was positive. A faint positive, but still positive. I'm actually not too excited about it yet because of what happened last time. I also know that since I tested so early, it could wind up being a chemical pregnancy. I'm going to wait until Friday and try again.

I want to be excited... I really do. But I'm worried that I'd be setting myself up for disappointment if I allow myself to be. So for now I'm trying not to think about it too much. Steve said he's not that excited yet for the same reasons I'm not. It was hard for both of us to have our hopes dashed last time. Not really looking forward to that again.

Realization

My cycles apparently aren't as long as I thought. So when I had the miscarriage, I thought I was only 4 weeks, 6 days. But I was really 5 weeks, 3 days. I know in the end it doesn't make that much of a difference... it's only 4 days. But it feels almost like a bigger loss now.

Everyone says that Marcie will be waiting for me in heaven. I wonder if my poppyseed will too. Maybe Marcie is taking care of Poppyseed.

Missing Marcie

Monday was the day we said goodbye to Marcie. She was getting worse and worse every day, and her quality of life wasn't good enough anymore to keep her hanging on. It was hard, but I know we did the right thing. And I know that we gave her the best 4 years of her life, and that she loved us so much. Lily is a little lonely now, but we're trying to give her extra love and attention.

So not much else is new... I'm hoping that this cycle was it for us, that we might soon have another little poppyseed on the way. Jen e-mailed her ultrasound pics today, and they were so very cute! I'm so happy for her, but I have to admit it made me tear up to see the pics. I would have been 4 months along by now if I hadn't miscarried, and I'd be looking at my own ultrasound pics very soon. I'm not jealous though... I'm truly happy for them. I know that I'll have my own when it's meant to be.

Work has been ridiculous this week. Jay causes more drama than I thought possible. He and L got into it the other day, and it was all so childish... Jay went running to T to tattle on L that she was "rude" to him. What a loser! So T made the entire group have a meeting about this. Ridiculous. Why do I need to be dragged into their stupid fight? It annoyed the crap out of me. And today, I heard that Jay told T that he is the best employee there. Oh my God, that might be the funniest thing I have ever heard! He is by FAR the WORST! He is not right in the head, I'm convinced. And I have to work with the bastard this weekend. Great.

Moving forward

Since I last wrote, Marcie has come out of remission again. This time, they at the vet school agree that there is not much else to be done that would help. So she's on prednisone, and basically we're just waiting until it's time to put her down. Steve and I are sad, of course, but I guess now we have had time to come to terms with what is happening. We both agree that we'll almost be relieved once this is all over, and Marcie can have some peace.

I talked to Jen today, for the first time since she told me she was pregnant. Sounds like things are really going well, and I am honestly happy for her.

I hope it will be my turn soon. So far, this cycle looks a little promising...

Still healing

Most of the time I feel like I'm okay now with the miscarriage. I haven't cried since the Saturday after it happened, and my life has pretty much gone back to normal. But every once in a while I get really sad when I think about it. I know so many people who are pregnant or just had a baby, and while I am very happy for all of them, I can't help but feel sad that I'm not one of them. My baby never got a chance at life, and that was not my choice. I know we'll conceive again and that chances are everything will be fine, but it still hurts.

Marcie is no longer in complete remission. She went for chemo today and they found a lesion on her tongue. They're giving her the drug that sent her in remission so quickly when she first started chemo, so hopefully that will clear it up. I'm worried that when she is done with chemo that it will just come raging back. I hope not, but I'm worried about it.

I'm just wondering when something good is going to happen for us. First Marcie's cancer, then the miscarriage. Can't we get a break?

Frustrated

I'm really confused about what I should do regarding trying to conceive. My doctor said I don't need to wait, and she acted as though the bleeding associate with my miscarriage was my period. But according to what I read online, she's wrong. Apparently I won't have a period for at least 4 weeks following the miscarriage, and I should actually wait until then to try again.

I almost feel like I'll get over this faster if I can just try again right away, but it sounds like I should really try to wait. So of course I'm even more upset now, knowing that I need to wait at least 2 months before I can possibly find out I'm pregnant again. I just don't know what to do. I suppose I really should just wait. This honestly makes me wish like hell I had never gotten pregnant in the first place.

Poppyseed

Steve and I just got back from a cruise. It would have been really nice and a lot of fun, I'm sure, if not for something awful that happened to us. I found out 3 days before that I was pregnant, and we were so happy. But I had a miscarriage while on the ship. I spent most of our anniversary in severe pain, both physically and emotionally.

I was having contractions for 8 hours, and then finally it was all over. Eight hours for a barely 4 week old embryo? I shudder to think what real labor will be like for me one day... assuming that I can actually carry a child to term.

I'm sad, but I'm healing. I know that it's for the best. It means that there was some sort of chromosomal abnormality and that the baby would not have survived anyway. There is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I just pray that next time the baby will be healthy. At the very least, now we know that I can get get pregnant.

In much happier news, Jen told me that she just found out she's pregnant. I'm so happy for her and Eric, and I pray that she doesn't have to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I feel like now I've experienced something that few of my peers have. Of course I'll always be afraid that it will happen again, but I also look forward trying again.